Saturday, June 3, 2017

Our foundation...

I haven't posted in a while and I miss it but life you know real life gets in the way of what we want life to look like or feel like.  It seems I take to this page when my emotions overwhelm me. When I need an outlet and nothing else will work.  I guess today is one of those days. 

It's not really that big of a deal you know the town we live in, the way Craig and I have raised our three kids.  High School graduation is kind of a given. You go to school for 12 years, you get a diploma and then you decide what's next.  So I'm not anxiously awaiting with my stomach in knots the moment my kid gets his diploma today because I know he has it,  I know his plans and his grades and I know that he has successfully completed this part of his education. 

I'm anxiously awaiting the moment he crosses that stage because my friends at that moment when he steps from one side to the other, moving his tassel from right to left. That's the moment y'all. That's the moment that he is no longer a kid that must live under my roof, that will be at my dinner table every night or meeting me in the kitchen for coffee in the morning.  Things change when they graduate and start their own lives. It doesn't matter how much you try and keep things the same you just can't.  Our home will always be their home but the dynamics will change.  They are adults and they deserve this time to make their mark to find out who they are and to carve a path that will take them through the next stages of their lives.  Stages where mom and dad are no longer active participants but merely the most enthusiastic, loudest cheering, biggest supporters standing on the side line with hands clasped watching the most beautiful show in the world.  

Today my son will cross the stage celebrating the fact that every day for the last 18 years he has taken steps to become less of my little boy and more of an amazing man and while I mourn for the past and my roll in his life I'm also anxiously awaiting for his beautiful  future because I know without a doubt that the foundation we've laid down will carry us through. 

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Just another day...

There are moments in a day, totally and completely ordinary moments that sometimes begin to unravel you as a mother.  Moments that could be mundane or even frustrating that knock the wind out of your sails.

I had that moment today, standing in the barn as I have hundreds of times.  (Actually approximately 1,640 times but I mean who's counting). With one child blowing her heifer and the other washing his.  Listening to the sounds of the the animals and watching the sun slowly, beautifully set in the distance.  And all of a sudden it hit me y'all.  This life, this beautiful, ordinary, nothing special life is so incredibly AWEmazing.  To be here to witness these moments that literally are mundane chores but in all actuality are beautiful moments of these people I created caring so lovingly for their animals.

I've often said I'd like to go back and start over, do this whole mothering thing again. And this time do it better...this is why y'all. These moments that are gone in the blink of an eye and that we can't get back. I have one already off at college and one leaving this year and the realization that soon we will have that empty nest, that quiet always stays clean house...I'm not ready for that. So this right here, right now y'all, nothing is more important than this moment.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Just one more coffee date...

Today marks 4 years since my daddy left this world and usually I handle it really well. He was sick and now he's not. He couldn't walk but now he can. He had a rough life but now there is no pain and no fear only beauty, I truly believe that and I'm so dadgumn thankful. But I'm also just really pissed y'all.  I know I'm not supposed to be but I am.

See these two...they are two peas in a pod.  Ice cream and chocolate lovers, they both give until they have nothing left, they love hard and have a temper that can flash.  They are so freaking stubborn.  They think ladies should be treated like ladies.   They both love music like no ones business but neither have a lick of rhythm.  Stupid jokes and inappropriate language fly from their lips. They both tease unmercifully but have a hard time being teased back. They both root for the underdog. They both 'get me' like no one else really does and in less than 5 months that sweet boy will be graduating and I'm just so dadgumn mad that he's not here to watch, to celebrate, to witness his hard work.

4 years and 15 days ago I sat and had coffee with him (he double fisted a hot cup and a frappucino) and we talked...he and I didn't have so much to say to each other when I was growing up but we sure made up for it when I got older. I want so desperately to grab a cup of coffee and sit down with him right now.  To tell him what's wrong and let him help me fix it like only he could. I need his wisdom and his truths, his compassion mixed with tough love....I need my daddy y'all.

4 years is too long...I miss you more MY Daddy and love you A LOT!