Our foundation...

I haven't posted in a while and I miss it but life you know real life gets in the way of what we want life to look like or feel like.  It seems I take to this page when my emotions overwhelm me. When I need an outlet and nothing else will work.  I guess today is one of those days. 

It's not really that big of a deal you know the town we live in, the way Craig and I have raised our three kids.  High School graduation is kind of a given. You go to school for 12 years, you get a diploma and then you decide what's next.  So I'm not anxiously awaiting with my stomach in knots the moment my kid gets his diploma today because I know he has it,  I know his plans and his grades and I know that he has successfully completed this part of his education. 

I'm anxiously awaiting the moment he crosses that stage because my friends at that moment when he steps from one side to the other, moving his tassel from right to left. That's the moment y'all. That's the moment that he is no longer a kid that must live under my roof, that will be at my dinner table every night or meeting me in the kitchen for coffee in the morning.  Things change when they graduate and start their own lives. It doesn't matter how much you try and keep things the same you just can't.  Our home will always be their home but the dynamics will change.  They are adults and they deserve this time to make their mark to find out who they are and to carve a path that will take them through the next stages of their lives.  Stages where mom and dad are no longer active participants but merely the most enthusiastic, loudest cheering, biggest supporters standing on the side line with hands clasped watching the most beautiful show in the world.  

Today my son will cross the stage celebrating the fact that every day for the last 18 years he has taken steps to become less of my little boy and more of an amazing man and while I mourn for the past and my roll in his life I'm also anxiously awaiting for his beautiful  future because I know without a doubt that the foundation we've laid down will carry us through. 

Just another day...

There are moments in a day, totally and completely ordinary moments that sometimes begin to unravel you as a mother.  Moments that could be mundane or even frustrating that knock the wind out of your sails.

I had that moment today, standing in the barn as I have hundreds of times.  (Actually approximately 1,640 times but I mean who's counting). With one child blowing her heifer and the other washing his.  Listening to the sounds of the the animals and watching the sun slowly, beautifully set in the distance.  And all of a sudden it hit me y'all.  This life, this beautiful, ordinary, nothing special life is so incredibly AWEmazing.  To be here to witness these moments that literally are mundane chores but in all actuality are beautiful moments of these people I created caring so lovingly for their animals.

I've often said I'd like to go back and start over, do this whole mothering thing again. And this time do it better...this is why y'all. These moments that are gone in the blink of an eye and that we can't get back. I have one already off at college and one leaving this year and the realization that soon we will have that empty nest, that quiet always stays clean house...I'm not ready for that. So this right here, right now y'all, nothing is more important than this moment.

Just one more coffee date...

Today marks 4 years since my daddy left this world and usually I handle it really well. He was sick and now he's not. He couldn't walk but now he can. He had a rough life but now there is no pain and no fear only beauty, I truly believe that and I'm so dadgumn thankful. But I'm also just really pissed y'all.  I know I'm not supposed to be but I am.

See these two...they are two peas in a pod.  Ice cream and chocolate lovers, they both give until they have nothing left, they love hard and have a temper that can flash.  They are so freaking stubborn.  They think ladies should be treated like ladies.   They both love music like no ones business but neither have a lick of rhythm.  Stupid jokes and inappropriate language fly from their lips. They both tease unmercifully but have a hard time being teased back. They both root for the underdog. They both 'get me' like no one else really does and in less than 5 months that sweet boy will be graduating and I'm just so dadgumn mad that he's not here to watch, to celebrate, to witness his hard work.

4 years and 15 days ago I sat and had coffee with him (he double fisted a hot cup and a frappucino) and we talked...he and I didn't have so much to say to each other when I was growing up but we sure made up for it when I got older. I want so desperately to grab a cup of coffee and sit down with him right now.  To tell him what's wrong and let him help me fix it like only he could. I need his wisdom and his truths, his compassion mixed with tough love....I need my daddy y'all.

4 years is too long...I miss you more MY Daddy and love you A LOT!

I

Day 3...

Some days are just crap y'all!   No matter how hard you try. No matter what you say or do you can't make everyone happy.  The solution...to curl up on the sofa and watch a movie where you get to see cows and horses and beautiful landscapes oh AND Brad Pitt's butt.  Not that I was lookin' or anything...  ;o).  #legendsofthefall #neverdisappoints

Day 2...

Ten things I learned on Day 2 of summer 'vacation':

1. I LOVE driving on a sunny day with the radio up and windows down. I don't care how hot it is outside or if the passenger wants to speak to me...this is my happy place.  
2. I will chauffeur people all flipping day long around town if the above can happen. 
3. Doctors appointments with my mother are never boring. 
4. My mother doesn't know how to whisper.  (I've always known this but it might be getting worse!)
5. God answers prayers...even when you're being a little snarky. 
6. A common misconception is that my silliness came from my dad...partially true but one cannot ever doubt momma's influence!
7. Cappuccinos, desert and long talks make me crazy happy especially when it's with someone I love. 
8. I sometimes discount my children, thinking I know better...I need to start listening more sometimes. 
9. No matter how much you do for your children they will ALWAYS find the one thing you DIDN'T do and bring it up.  
10. Momma was right...baths do make everything just a little better.  

***Warning***This was written whilst in the bath. I don't have my glasses.  I don't have my phone to text a member of my family for my glasses. And no matter how loud I yell or how hard I bang on the wall they PRETEND can't hear me to bring me my glasses.  So who knows what I actually wrote.  

Day 1...

Day one  of my one month of summer 'vacation' started today.  I've been to the barn, dropped a kid at VBS and now I'm back home in my bed with a cup of coffee.  So very not productive and yet...so very necessary.  I promise to have a productive summer...just maybe not today!

*Warning*. Not really sure what I actually wrote 'cause I'm also too lazy to go get my glasses from the other room!

Living for today...

I was sitting this morning reading my Bible study and for the first time in my 42 years I TRULY read what I've repeated over and over again since I was first taken to church, The Lord's prayer.  You know it's one of those that you just know and you repeat with ease, without stumbling or thinking about it.  It rolls of your lips like your own name, but today I read one part that just STUCK! 
"Give us this day our daily bread." ~ Matthew 6:11  Ya'll, God didn't instruct us to say give us what we need for the next two months!  In fact in Exodus he instructs the people to gather JUST ENOUGH for that day.  I feel like every second of my days, whether at work or at home I'm planning for tomorrow.  And it makes me think...am I missing out on today?

We spend so much of our lives worrying about making enough money for retirement, making sure our kids have perfect grades and test scores for college admittance, that our house is clean for the guest coming next weekend, that the kids practiced perfect for the next game and so on.  I'm not saying we should stop all this...it's life it's the way the world is now but if you are anything like me (and goodness I hope your are NOT).  Then you are literally spinning your wheels.  You are jumping from one task to the next dropping into bed at the end of the day exhausted and looking back feeling totally frustrated.  You feel as if you accomplished nothing because you were trying to do everything. 

Y'all, I have a secret...I'm EXHAUSTED!  I'm FRUSTRATED!  I'm ANGRY!  I want so so so many things.  I want some lazy days, I want a clean house, I want no dirty laundry piles, I want my kids to be young again so I can start over and do it so much better this time.  I want my son to succeed in college.  I want my other son to enjoy his last two years of high school before he enters this crazy real world.  I want my daughter to enjoy this moment instead of wishing she was already in high school (though I can't say I blame her on that one...Junior High is BRUTAL!)  I want my husband to stop stressing about if  he's providing enough for this family. And then there's me..."Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" ~Matthew 6:27.  Y'all, I'm totally convinced that that passage was put in the Bible for me!  I worry about everything and I mean EVERYTHING!  (As if to prove that fact I just spilt my coffee mug all over my keyboard so now I'm worrying I've ruined a brand new keyboard).  I never saw the movie frozen but I've heard the song and more often then not I spend too many hours a day singing "Let it go" in my head...not the whole song...just those words in her voice trying desperately to get myself to LET IT GO!

All that rambling to say, I'm worried...I'm worried that I'm missing out on today because I am SO focused on tomorrow.  I'm worried that the dream that lives in my head of what I want for this crazy family will not come to pass and yet I know, I KNOW that "my Father knows what I need before I ask Him."  ~Matthew 6:8  So for today I am going to focus on today.  I'm going to live in the present and let tomorrow worry about it's self. 

Maybe y'all should pray for me...I'm worried I am gonna fail!  ;o)

He is walking away....

And it's here...a day you strive for...a day you push them towards...the goal...and the crazy thing is that when you achieve the goal and your at the point that all the hard work was specifically for....you find yourself crawfishing!

Today I will follow behind that beautiful white truck with my first born behind the wheel and my husband in the passenger seat as we make our way to his new home place.  It will be chaos, it will be exhausting, it will be what we've worked for since he set foot in kindergarten 13 years ago.  Study hard, make good grades, get scholarships, apply to schools...these are the steps we take as we push them towards this goal.  And now that it's here I want to tell him I LIED I don't like this goal!  Fail some classes stay home with mommy!  And of course I don't really I don't think feel that way but y'all I had no idea it would be THIS HARD!

18 years ago I had a newborn and we had been up all night, his daddy was at work and I had finally got this beautiful boy to fall asleep.  When he did I was overcome with how scared I was for him to grow up knowing without really knowing how quickly the years were gonna go.  As a brand new exhausted mama at the tender age of 24 my soul knew KNEW what I was in for and  I wrote this beautiful sleeping boy a love letter then...and I'm sharing it with y'all now.  Because I know KNOW that I'm not the only momma that is smiling while setting up a new dorm while my whole entire heart mourns for the 18 years that just absolutely flew by the blink of an eye!

YOU WALK AWAY

            It feels like yesterday when you were in the warm confines of my body.  I felt your hiccups, kicks, punches and somersaults.  You climbed your way into the world and entered the warm embrace of my arms.  I touch you, cuddle and kiss you.  I nurse you and then they take you away, off to the nursery to be checked out.   It is the first time in 9 months to be away from you.  I feel empty as I watch them walk away.

            You decide four months later that you want to hold a bottle, not be restricted in my arms while I nurse you.  I watch your father carry you and your bottle off to bed as y’all walk away.

            Your too attached to me they say.  Is there such a thing?  I put you in preschool, they have to peel your arms off of my body when I drop you off and you run to me when I pick you up, at first.  But you like your teacher and you have new friends, as we enter the classroom I watch you run away.

            Kindergarten, your eyes plead to be a baby again and climb up in my arms, but your pride makes you be strong.  Tentatively you step into the large school.  You see a friend and start to chat.  I watch you walk away.

            The truck is washed; you look so handsome in your tux.  You growl when I take your picture and beg off my kiss.  As you leave, to pick up your prom date, I watch you drive away.

You got a football scholarship; you are so excited, good dorm, great friends and lots of parties and girls, in your future.  You don’t want your mom to help you move in.  You struggle under the weight of the boxes and I watch you stagger away.

            “She looks beautiful, wait until you see her” I say.  “I hope you will be happy and all your dreams come true.  Don’t make me wait too long for grandbabies,” I say.  The pastor pronounces you husband and wife.  Through eyes overflowing with tears, I watch you walk down the aisle to your new life and the woman in it, giving her the hugs and kisses that used to be mine.  You both run through the shower of birdseed to the truck and at the end you stop and turn around.  I watch you walk towards me.  “I love you mom” you say, “I’ll call you when we get back”.  My heart is full as I watch you walk away.

 ©Kimberly Kempken 1997

A request for my teen friends about being cool...

So here's the deal, God blessed Craig and I with three of the funniest, most beautiful, and crazily different children.  No, this is not a bragging story, stick with me.  These really cool people come attached with some really cool friends (Start counting, cool is going to become a common word in this story, seriously stick with me).  

So for some reason these friends of my kids seem to really like Craig and me.  They ask his opinion and for help at the barn.  They hang out in my office (on second thought maybe they're just trying to skip class on that point).  Anyway, they vent to me their friend drama; they show me pictures of things that made them think of me (mostly coffee related).  I've prayed with these beautiful people, I've wiped tears, I've cried when they received scholarships and graduated from high school.  I have jumped up and down and yelled and made a fool of myself when they placed with their heifer or finaled with their solo.  And y'all, I can not tell you how my heart soars when one of them says "Love you Mama K, you’re the coolest!”  

Here's the deal y'all, I am the most un-cool person I know!  I worry when they do crazy dance stunts, I stress when they're in the rafters of the barn getting wood, I remind them to not text and drive, to wear sunscreen, not to drink, that nicotine is nasty and drugs are stupid.  I remind them to call their momma's and all the other seriously overprotective un-cool behavior mom's tend to dole out on a regular basis.  Yet still they insist, and I kind of love it.  So I’m going out on a limb here and am about to prove just how un-cool I truly am.  

Every decade has catch words or phrases that become popular and stick.  We all have our favorites!  In the 50's we had 'Cool' (are you keeping count?).  The 60’s was 'Groovy' (which means...say it with me...COOL!)  My personal favorite decade, the 80's, cool and groovy were replaced with 'Wicked' and 'Gnarly'.  The 90's was 'Phat' (y'all is this even a real word?).  But as we reflect back the words that replaced the outdated 'cool' they became a little odd.  So that brings us to the present.  In the early 2000's 'Sweet' was the new cool.  As in "Dude, that is one sweet ride!"  If someone said this to me I would take this as an ultimate compliment.  Sadly though just like all words, sweet became overused and some person out there decided to replace it with one of my least favorite phrases yet!  The word cool is supposed to be a compliment, however this new phrase...so NOT a compliment!  So here it is...'AF'.  Y'all, I can't even!  OK so here is where my teen friends are nodding their heads and my older friends (mom) are confused.  But if you don't know then please don't ask, don't Google, just slip peacefully past this current phrase whilst praying that the one that replaces it is gnarly.  Seriously that one was WAY better!

Y'all I know this is supposed to be the ultimate compliment, but (largest BUT ever here) it is so NOT!  Sweet girls, if some young man, boy, child texts you 'Quite frankly girl you are fine AF!'  Girls, run do not walk in the complete opposite direction!  This is NOT the person to bring home to momma and daddy and if I may borrow a phrase from my teen years, gag me with a spoon!  

My guys, if I ever hear y'all dissin' a young lady by using this particular statement, well Daddy-O, that is one big boo boo and Mama K will have no choice but to refer to you as a Dweeb for the remainder of your decades!

Y'all, girls are not fine AF, your truck is not fine AF, your boots are not fine AF and to be completely honest NOTHING is fine AF!

So there I go, proving my un-coolness and y'all I'm totally OK with that because quite frankly I'm ready for boys to go back to treating girls with respect and vice versa.  Y’all remember holding doors, holding hands, talking not snapping?  So what do y'all say, let’s come up with a new word for cool, huh?  

Go ahead, leave a comment for your suggestions...I KNOW they will all be totally rad!

Ice cream and cookies...

So yesterday I had a kid that was just having a good ole fashioned bad day.  Her brothers and I tried everything in our power, but we just couldn't heal the hurt that was in her heart.  A hurt that had no good reason to be there.  (Ladies, can I get an amen here?  We all know those bad days with no explanation why and only chocolate and sometimes an adult beverage will cure it!)  I hate those days, they are just miserable and to watch your sweet baby girl go through it, BRUTAL!  So come nine o'clock we are making cookies because y'all, there is little that fresh baked cookies CAN'T cure.  But still the smile wasn't there and the spark wasn't in her eyes; so I suggested we deliver the cookies to someone who I knew would make her smile.  So there we are loading up with hot out of the oven cookies at 9:30 at night and making plans to surprise this hairy legged boy after his baseball practice.  (Oh what we'll do for our kids!  And can't you imagine what her daddy is doing...rolling his eyes and looking at me like I'm crazy!)  So as we are driving I'm even wondering why I'm doing this when I could be at home in my jammies with a good book.  And then I was taken back to a summer night when I was sixteen years old.

I had a friend over and it's ten o'clock at night and I had just gotten my license and we wanted ice cream (totally rational).  So I go in and tell my mom that we are going to run up to the corner store and get ice cream.  Well, as you can imagine that didn't go over so well with my daddy.  He was not about to have two teenage girls heading to the corner store late at night when clearly no good things could happen.  So, we go back into the kitchen obviously to open the fridge and stare longingly at the contents which clearly were not going to do anything to squelch our ice cream desire.  And then wouldn't ya know here comes my momma with her red hair and her pink nightgown and says "Girls, I'll take y'all to get ice cream."  Can you imagine!  We wanted an adventure and what did we get, momma driving us in her nightgown...NOPE!  So we try to say nicely no thanks and I can promise you it probably came out more like "Are you freaking serious?"  But, she doesn't respond, just hands me the keys and goes and lays her silly self in the backseat of the car so that we can drive up to the corner store for ice cream but with adult supervision!  Can't you just SEE it!  I can promise y'all that my daddy was fast asleep and we never told him that this occurred, because he definitely would've had a FIT!  At first my friend and I  rolled our eyes but we really wanted ice cream so whatever; and then as we climbed in the car we giggled and laughed and had the best time!  And more importantly than anything else, I have a memory that has lasted me 25 years and taught me about the type of mama I want to be.

Did we HAVE to go deliver cookies to a cute blue eyed boy at 10:00 at night?  Nope,  but did I have a blast driving around with the radio up on a late summer night giggling with my girl and watching her learn to navigate this craziness that is being a teenager?  Oh y'all, it just made my heart soar!  And maybe, just maybe in 25 years she'll be doing the same thing with her daughter and think of me (and possibly even deliver me some cookies too!)

When the roles reverse...

On this lazy Summer morning, I awoke with a start noticing that the sun was streaming just a little too brightly through the windows.  Yup, we had all overslept.  Wait, didn't I just say lazy Summer morning?  You can't oversleep on a lazy summer morning!  Actually you can, when two have to get to the barn before one gets to the church to work Vacation Bible School.  The lazy part is me once they all get out of the house .   So once all animals had been fed and the youngest had been delivered to her destination I hopped in the shower.  Y'all!  As I started to wash my hair I saw something out of the corner of my eye, a ROACH had decided to hop in there with me!  Of all the insects, rodents, reptiles I'm not fond of to be honest roaches don't completely bother me 'cause I know they can't hurt me but they gross me out and lets just say when your standing naked in the shower it's a little unnerving.  Thank goodness that neither of my boys had left for work yet so I hop out and start yelling for them as I wrap a towel around myself.  Now, let's just say when mom announces that she's gonna hop in the shower and then approximately five minutes later she starts yelling, I would expect my boys to come running, not moseying in asking if something is wrong.  In their defense, I AM their mother and they WERE fearful I was naked so I guess they are forgiven for their lack of speed.  Long story short they dispensed of said roach and I regaled them as my heroes, and as they are walking out of my bathroom they were discussing arguing who was ACTUALLY the hero and who ACTUALLY dispensed of the roach.T  As I think about the fact that one of those tall beautiful men is about to head off to college I couldn't help but relish in the moment and it reminded me of a time so very long ago, when I was THEIR hero.  Y'all, I can't decide which moments I love the most, when I used to save them or the fact that they now save me.  

Here's a blast from my past, when I got to be the hero.  Enjoy!  

Wonder Mom

I have a confession. I want to be Wonder Woman! It’s true, I had the costume growing up, complete with head and wrist bands. I was so cool, I would spin around in circles until I got completely dizzy and then run off to conquer the World with my cape flying in the wind!

Now I am just a mom. I no longer have the cape or the headband, and spinning around in circles is something I do daily while trying to dress my children and get them off to school. As for conquering the world, I would be more than happy just to conquer having the whole house cleaned in the same day.

So that brings me to the question; what makes someone a hero? Is it Spiderman, Superman and Wonder Woman, fictional characters who take on a whole new look before they conquer evil? Is it Bible Man who uses the sword of truth to fight sin? Is it the real life firefighters and policeman risking their lives to keep us safe? Is it the child growing up in a violent home and deciding that as a parent they will break that cycle of abuse? Is it the single mom, raising three children and wondering if she will ever have a man to share her life with again?

My youngest son loves the Rescue Hero line of toys, and I am excited about this. I love that these toys are based on real life people who live their lives to do good every day! I love that this is who my children believe in as heroes. However, I must admit, I am a little sad also, because as mom, I want to be the hero in my children’s eyes.

But I am just a mom, a mom of two little boys and one little girl. And, although I do put out fires every day by deciding who gets to pick the movie, and I keep the peace by not letting sister put makeup on her brothers’ dinosaurs. I must wonder if they see me as a hero. Do they look at me and see the cape tucked under my stained sweatshirt and worn out jeans? Is the jeweled headband peeking out from under the hair I haven’t even had the chance to brush yet? Probably not, but I remember the one day I was a hero. One day the crowd roared and yelled my name so loudly the windows shook, the animals hid and I stood with my hands on my hips and my cape flying proudly behind me!

You see I don’t like bugs, but with children you must pretend and so I point out long squiggly worms on the driveway and call their attention to the tree frogs stuck on our back windows, the geckos hanging by our front porch and the armadillos that run by our back patio every morning. But even a superhero loses their cool every once in a while I am sure, so when it comes to snakes and roaches, I am anything but super.

But this one day while getting my children quickly dressed to run out the door, my oldest comes in whining that there is a roach in his bedroom. As I go in to bravely conquer this creature, I see my daughter crawling quickly behind me. I know that she would probably be able to catch it quicker than I could, and with the lack of fear that babies have it would be the baby edition of Fear Factor. Not that I was worried about her eating the roach but we couldn’t have HER being the hero, now could we? So, I block the entrance of the room with the baby gate and grab the first aerosol can I find in the cupboard. As I spray this very determined bug, I realize that Lysol is not going to kill him, although he does now smell good and is slightly less germy. Not wanting to crush him on our brand new carpet, I go back to the cabinet and grab the only other aerosol can in there. I climb up on the bed and bravely aim the can toward the roach and wish the spray would go farther. In the background I hear chanting. They are saying something, something I recognize, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” It’s my name! The crowd is chanting my name! All of a sudden I am in a coliseum full of people with my red cape held out before me battling a huge snarling bull. I see the bull scratch his foot back sending the dust flying making me cough (or was that the smell of the Off?). I hear the stomping of the crowd. I raise my hand and roar, “We will, we will rock you!”

Okay, so maybe it didn’t happen like that, but the roach rolled belly up and my three little fans screamed and cheered and jumped up and down because their hero battled a beast that day. As I shook hands and signed autographs, I kissed the baby and finished getting my kids ready for school. I beamed all day. The laundry folded itself, and the dishes reflected my smiling face. Then I picked them up from school, and they recounted the cool new things they learned that day. I tried to recall the goodness of the morning by reminding them of their fearless mother but to my sadness I was met with, “Mom, it was just a roach!”

My fifteen minutes of fame were up. So after dinner and baths, I went to my closet and hung up my cape and donned my warm robe. As my freckled face babies laid their weary heads against the worn out fabric that had been through pregnancies, all-night nursing and various illnesses, they looked up at me with sleepy eyes and said, “Thanks for getting the roach out of our room mom.”

So maybe I am not Wonder Woman but for a brief shining moment, I was a hero in the eyes of my children!

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37 (NKJV)


© Kimberly www.coffeeandfaith.blogspot.com 2010

This ones for the guys....

Y'all!  My husband just gave me THE most romantic  gift ever!  And guys I wanna share with you so that you understand JUST how romantic this gift is.

Not flowers (they'll just die).  Potted plants (one of my favorite gifts) but sadly because I'm me and have a black thumb...will most likely also just die.  Diamonds are gorgeous but let's face it...I'm not a jewelry girl. Food, always the way to my heart...especially if it's Chocolate.  Lingerie...let's be honest guys that's really ONLY for you!

But y'all, today my husband (without words) said to me.  'Your stressed, your working hard, you have a lot on your plate and I think you deserve to rest.'   Yes guys you can say ALL of that with one gift!  A hammock.  A hammock says kick your shoes off, grab an iced tea, close your eyes and listen to the trees.  It begs you to stop and take a minute.  To ignore the to do lists, the chores, the chaos.  It begs you to only BE.  And what kind of wife would I be if I didn't use this gift?

So go y'all!  Do this for your wife!  I promise you!  She'll be thankful!

Just some graduation tears...

In less than a month our oldest son will graduate from high school (the same high school his father and I did just a few - ha - years ago).  I've always thought it was kind of silly, the big deal being made about graduating from high school.  I mean I've always known he would graduate from high school, it's just what we do.  I know that in some communities and some families it is a huge accomplishment but I never thought anything about it.  UNTIL NOW!  And y'all I realized this year and maybe even just now (seriously!) just now that it actually is not about walking across a stage and shaking hands and being handed a diploma that I never doubted he would earn.  But about the fact that his and our lives are forever changed. 

He is 18 years old, he can vote, he can fight for his country, he is a full grown adult.  In a few precious months he will reside in a new location.  He won't have to call when he's on his way home or let me know he's going somewhere.  I won't know what his room looks like (or his shower, much scarier).  I won't know what he's eating, I will probably go weeks without seeing his face.  I won't know his friends (really odd feeling since I've worked at his schools since he was in 5th grade)! 

Y'all, I have this man in my life that is so tall that I have to stand on tiptoes to kiss his two day stubbly cheek.  And let me tell y'all something...when I look up in those deep brown eyes I promise you I do NOT see a man.  I see a little boy in the second grade with huge tears in his eyes because kids were making fun of his big ears.  This boy who made me a momma first can NOT be a man that is about to venture off into the big bad world on his own.  This boy who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside can NOT be the same person that in a few months I will leave in a new town, in a new room.

On my wall in my office I have a frame for each of my kiddoes that has a picture from each of their school years and it wasn't until today and I placed the final picture of that frame.  The cap and gown graduation picture that I realized...he's isn't just graduating from high school, he is graduating INTO LIFE!  A life that he will do just fine in, I know this with every ounce of my being.  And on the days that he struggles or stumbles his dad and I will be there, to talk him through it, to listen, to drive up for a quick meal and big hug. 

My Dakota, you are smart, you are funny (yes you are), you are talented, you are handsome, you have a huge heart that holds so much love!  I will miss the fact that you stop me in the middle of doing something just to give me a hug but will so look forward to your DAILY (ha) phone calls and hearing about your days!  I can NOT wait to see what the world holds for you!  It's yours for the taking!  Go get 'em Bub!  I love you MORE!

Breaking Fancy...

When we picked her up she was a wild eyed red haired crazy heifer.  She literally tried  to climb out of the closed trailer.  I asked him, 'You sure Bub?'  "Yes ma'am!"  His Ag teacher asked him, 'You sure about this Ty?'  No hesitation as he responded "Yes sir!"  That trailer rocked the whole way home she was some upset.  

We got her home and in her stall, her wild eyes stared out while he leaned on the bars watching her.  Next morning he took a lawn chair and his music and he sat in the corner of her stall...for hours.  He came home for lunch and that evening he was up there again, same thing.  Day after day he did this on his summer break, while his friends were at the beach, hanging out or just sleeping late.  He was up early, sitting with her, playing his music (old country) and talking to her.  One day she walked up and sniffed his knee he reached his hand out and she backed away.  Next day same thing, then the next she didn't back away.  She let him scratch her nose, he didn't make a big deal of it.  He let her know that he was there for her, she learned to trust him.  It was amazing to watch, truly.  

First time in the ring she was such a spooked little girl but as we watched we noticed him leaning just a bit towards her and he seemed to be talking to her, her ears cocked towards him, her body starting to relax.  When they left the ring we asked him what he was doing.  'Singing to her.' Her answered like it was the most common thing ever.  

She still has crazy eyes.  She still gets spooked and she hates HATES everyone else (I have the bruises to prove it) but she sure does love him.  He did what I (and a few others) doubted could be done.  He did it.  He did it alone.  He did it in his own way (like he always does)!  

Tybo...I can NOT wait to watch you show this week for the first time at the worlds largest rodeo.  It doesn't matter where you place, it's walking away with green shavings in your boots knowing that YOU got Fancy there!  

Standing naked, putting on armor...

This morning while sitting and reading my bible study (and enjoying the peace of the morning with my steaming mug of Heaven) I read something that spoke to my heart. You see I'm struggling right now. I have a senior in HS (many of us do), I have three busy kids (many of us do), I have work piled up to my ears ("same", I can hear you saying), my house is a DISASTER, we have no milk in the fridge for breakfast, the laundry is piled so high we should just go buy new clothes but budgets are tight, we have deadlines that have to be made, we have too much to do and not enough hours in the day or enough of us to do it.  We are living in a continually state of hurry up and go and if we dare to sit and take a break our minds don't stop, we feel guilty, we are ALL running in some crazy rat race that quite frankly 1.  I don't remember signing up for and B. I wish we could figure out a way to stop.  But y'all, there isn't, I mean yes there is BUT the changes that would need to be made in our lives to jump off of the crazy train would take soooo incredibly much faith and trust in the Lord, not to mention some major guts!  I keep saying I'm ready to do these things to JUMP, but I have other people to consider before I can't go all crazy mid life crisis on my family!  

So here HERE are the words from Ephesians that spoke to my heart today dear friends.  

'Put on the whole armor of God...' That is a beautiful image in my mind, of the paper thin pages of His word wrapped completely around my whole entire body.  Literally COVERING me in His word...especially when I stand 'naked', baring my soul to y'all, admitting that I am failing, that I screw up A LOT, that as hard as I try to be all things to those I love I sometimes push them away with my harsh words or frustrations.  (Sorry babe). 

'And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayer and requests.'  Y'all!  That is an AWEsome image!  To pray for literally EVERYTHING, even the small 'insignificant' things!  God does not get tired of hearing our prayers.  He does not say "Would you listen to that whiny baby Kimberly asking for stupid things again, SMH!"  Can you imagine?  He is so excited to hear us speak to him!  Y'all,  we can quote scripture all day long, but BUT if we are not praying than we aren't really doing anything.  (Let me clarify though that sometimes when prayers won't come, when you are in such a dark place or you are simply at a loss repeating scripture TO Him IS praying!). He may not give us the answers we want, or in the timing we desire but we are called to believe in Him and His word with the innocent faith of a child, not asking why just believing in Him. 

Y'all just pray today with perseverance (easy) and patience (mind numbingly difficult) for everything!  For yourselves! For me!  I'm praying for you too!  

We WILL make it...I think...I hope...

I have some very sweet friends that are in the midst of new parenting or parenting of little's and I know that they are struggling.  Dear ones I NEED you to hear my words.  I know KNOW that you are exhausted from sleepless nights.  You can't remember the last time you actually showered where you did more than jump in and out.  You permanently have some type of bodily fluid on your clothes. You feel as if you never have adult conversations.  You don't remember what your husband actually looks like.  Sickness runs rampant through your home, knowing without a doubt that as soon as one little gets strep, the flu whatever it's only a matter of time before the other one or two get it.  This is what I NEED you to understand...when you've sat and rocked ALL day and dad walks in the door and you finally, excitedly pass that baby off to him so you can breathe, shower, run to the store alone only to have that precious bundle scrunch up his face, reach for you and start to wail again.  Blessed mothers YOU are that babies pacifier, her comfort, her cozy blanket.  You are his HOME!  I know it's hard to do but settle in that moment, relish it, be their everything because I promise you the moment will FLY by.

One day that same child who couldn't/wouldn't let you go will lash out at you.  They will tell you that you are stupid, that they hate you. They will roll their eyes and clench their jaws, slam their doors and proceed to text, Skype, tweet, kik, snapchat (not Facebook ' cause since the old people invaded it, it's so uncool) about what a loser you are.  How not understanding, mean, uncool you are.  Dear ones you will try, when they come to you and you dig so incredibly deep to give them the most amazing words of wisdom ever spoken by any parent in the history of the universe and as the golden words are leaving your mouth you feel as if you are on top of the world...know KNOW that that child/teenager/savage will look at you with mouth agape, tears in their eyes, jaw clenched and proceed to say "Seriously!?  Mother, you are of NO help!  That is just stupid!  It's like you don't even care!"  They will turn and storm out of the room leaving you to wonder just how that had happened. Know KNOW that I believe their is an actual language barrier that turns your incredibly wise words into the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

Dear ones, hang tight.  When they push, push back.  When they pull away, pull them back. Tell them that they can fight you and you will continue to fight for them!  They will come back to you. It will be baby steps.  It will be one step forward two steps back. They will crawl in bed with you, apologize, curl up and tell you they love you and then wake up the next morning to look at you as if you have three heads and not a brain in one.  They will quit kissing your cheek goodbye and instead yell it down the hallway (if they even remember to tell you goodbye at all). But precious, exhausted, beautiful Mama's you WILL make it through. I promise!!!  Through many tears, through days of feeling like a total failure, through doubts of how you could possibly be doing this parenting thing oh so very wrong...you WILL make it.  I say these words not only for my young friends living in the midst of the newness of parenthood, not only for my friends living through teenager schizophrenia land (truly it is) but dear friends I say these words for me also.  For as I raise three of my own teenagers I sometimes wonder just what I'm doing and why I'm doing it so badly.  And then I remember I'm not alone (and possibly that bathtubs and adult beverages were created for mothers of teens!).  Hang in their mama's with tears and prayers we WILL make it through.

Losing it...

I lost it tonight.  LOST IT.  Walked in the house (should be condemned it's such a wreck) hungry, tired and cranky.  Don't think I've been home more than like 5 minutes the past 10 days.  Dance stuff needed to be packed.  Projects were being finished.  Shavings are all over my floor.  The laundry is piled so high I can't see over it and quite frankly something smells.  Like bad.  (Possibly the Stock show laundry that's STILL waiting to be washed.). And so when someone didn't do what I asked I LOST it.  Can I tell you how much I HATED that.  Can I explain the way it completely tears my heart apart.  You know don't you?  Momma's.  You know.  We've all done it (and if you haven't. Please don't tell me!). But sometimes isn't it just all too much.  I wanna bath.  I wanna beverage.  I wanna full nights sleep where I'm not worrying about college scholarships, show cattle escaping the fence, show chickens not being warm enough, laundry that will never be done, packing that needs to be done for yet another trip.  Dishes in the dishwasher that I honestly can't remember if I ran the dadgumn thing so I might as well run it again. The fact that the fridge had nothing nutrious in it. Am I taking too much time off of work for my kids.  Am I giving more attention to one kid and slacking on the other two.  Have I even actually SPOKEN to my husband today?  Y'all.  These are the things that make me/us? lie awake, stress us out and yes sometimes LOSE it!  And truthfully NONE of these things are life threatening important but still.  These are the days when if I was smart (clearly I'm not) I would walk outside and beg like BEG God to do for me....Lord Jesus today I need you to wrap your arm around my shoulder and place your hand over my mouth!  Because sometimes...seriously that's all I've got to give.

Dear Facebook...

Hey there buddy, we need to talk. See we've been together for a long time, years in fact and I love being with you.  Well I need to be honest, I loveD being with you.  You are my link to old friends, some I've known since kindergarten.  You helped me to celebrate their birthdays, anniversaries, babies, you reminded me to pray for them in the lows and celebrate with them in the highs.  You allowed me to brag un mercilessly on my own kids (and husband) and gave me a platform for my off the wall sense of humor.  Truly Facebook, you were my partner in crime.  But things have changed, you've changed and I have too.  You seem very negative to me lately and while I've tried to stay positive in the hopes that you would possibly go back to the fun and silly site you used to be, sadly you are unwilling to do so.  And quite frankly my friend, your negativity is too much for me right now.

Don't worry, we aren't over, I'm not saying goodbye, I don't think.  I'm just saying that I think we need a break from each other.  You know distance makes the heart grow finder and all that. Anyway, take care Facebook and I'll see ya when I see ya.

She is most definitely mine…

This morning an incredible person stumbled into my bathroom where I was rushing to get ready for work.  Dressed in worn in jeans and an oversized sweatshirt with sleepy eyes and tousled hair, she sat down on the closed toilet seat and tucked her bare feet up under her. 

“Whatchya doin?” I asked this sleepy beauty.

She cups her hands around a steaming cup of coffee while pulling it close to her heart and in a beautiful raspy morning voice says, “I just need a minute with my coffee to wake up.”

Well my friends, I have done it!  Beware…there are now officially two of us! 

Today...

On this beautiful first day of October I'm sitting in the back seat of my own car.  We are going on a mini road trip.  Something I desperately love to do.  I hate to travel but a quick road trip with my loves is my personal heaven.  But as I sit here with my Starbucks in hand (your not surprised) I was suddenly utterly and completely overwhelmed at what I was participating in.

Today I'm a passenger in my own car which is nothing new, if my husband is with me he drives, I like it that way.  But today he is also a passenger.  Today my son is in the drivers seat.  Today my 17 year old is driving us to his first college visit.  Today we will visit the same town I've been to a hundred times when my husband was a student there.  But today it will be with different eyes.  Today I won't be seeing it as the fun place I used to escape to visiting my love.  Today I will be visiting the place my first born will be living for the next four years.  As I endure this year and truly enduring is what I feel it is when I can't stop thinking that every single minute eases us closer and closer to a new normal, one I'm not particularly fond of.  I am a momma bear in the worst of ways.  I LOVE having my kids home with me.  Nothing makes me happier or more content than when it's the five of us under one roof.  Then and seriously only then do I feel complete and whole.  Please don't judge me (or do I don't really care) I know this is what is supposed to happen.  I know this is why we 'train them up in the way they should go and pray that they keep their paths straight'. I know that all
of this is completely normal.  But that doesn't help this momma's heart.  Yes, I will let him go I just don't feel ready.  If you know my kid then you know he has the sweetest disposition.  You know he is a good kid (just a good ole boy).  He has a tender heart.  He will do the right thing in all situations because he just doesn't understand not doing the right thing.

So today as I watch him drive me to his future university/home I don't see the tall (taller than both his parents), broad shouldered, handsome man he has become.  I still see a tiny little boy with wide innocent eyes, big ears (blessed he grew into them),  and the sweet voice of the child who knew what the inside of my heart sounded like first.  Today I see him.