Today...

On this beautiful first day of October I'm sitting in the back seat of my own car.  We are going on a mini road trip.  Something I desperately love to do.  I hate to travel but a quick road trip with my loves is my personal heaven.  But as I sit here with my Starbucks in hand (your not surprised) I was suddenly utterly and completely overwhelmed at what I was participating in.

Today I'm a passenger in my own car which is nothing new, if my husband is with me he drives, I like it that way.  But today he is also a passenger.  Today my son is in the drivers seat.  Today my 17 year old is driving us to his first college visit.  Today we will visit the same town I've been to a hundred times when my husband was a student there.  But today it will be with different eyes.  Today I won't be seeing it as the fun place I used to escape to visiting my love.  Today I will be visiting the place my first born will be living for the next four years.  As I endure this year and truly enduring is what I feel it is when I can't stop thinking that every single minute eases us closer and closer to a new normal, one I'm not particularly fond of.  I am a momma bear in the worst of ways.  I LOVE having my kids home with me.  Nothing makes me happier or more content than when it's the five of us under one roof.  Then and seriously only then do I feel complete and whole.  Please don't judge me (or do I don't really care) I know this is what is supposed to happen.  I know this is why we 'train them up in the way they should go and pray that they keep their paths straight'. I know that all
of this is completely normal.  But that doesn't help this momma's heart.  Yes, I will let him go I just don't feel ready.  If you know my kid then you know he has the sweetest disposition.  You know he is a good kid (just a good ole boy).  He has a tender heart.  He will do the right thing in all situations because he just doesn't understand not doing the right thing.

So today as I watch him drive me to his future university/home I don't see the tall (taller than both his parents), broad shouldered, handsome man he has become.  I still see a tiny little boy with wide innocent eyes, big ears (blessed he grew into them),  and the sweet voice of the child who knew what the inside of my heart sounded like first.  Today I see him.