Breaking Fancy...

When we picked her up she was a wild eyed red haired crazy heifer.  She literally tried  to climb out of the closed trailer.  I asked him, 'You sure Bub?'  "Yes ma'am!"  His Ag teacher asked him, 'You sure about this Ty?'  No hesitation as he responded "Yes sir!"  That trailer rocked the whole way home she was some upset.  

We got her home and in her stall, her wild eyes stared out while he leaned on the bars watching her.  Next morning he took a lawn chair and his music and he sat in the corner of her stall...for hours.  He came home for lunch and that evening he was up there again, same thing.  Day after day he did this on his summer break, while his friends were at the beach, hanging out or just sleeping late.  He was up early, sitting with her, playing his music (old country) and talking to her.  One day she walked up and sniffed his knee he reached his hand out and she backed away.  Next day same thing, then the next she didn't back away.  She let him scratch her nose, he didn't make a big deal of it.  He let her know that he was there for her, she learned to trust him.  It was amazing to watch, truly.  

First time in the ring she was such a spooked little girl but as we watched we noticed him leaning just a bit towards her and he seemed to be talking to her, her ears cocked towards him, her body starting to relax.  When they left the ring we asked him what he was doing.  'Singing to her.' Her answered like it was the most common thing ever.  

She still has crazy eyes.  She still gets spooked and she hates HATES everyone else (I have the bruises to prove it) but she sure does love him.  He did what I (and a few others) doubted could be done.  He did it.  He did it alone.  He did it in his own way (like he always does)!  

Tybo...I can NOT wait to watch you show this week for the first time at the worlds largest rodeo.  It doesn't matter where you place, it's walking away with green shavings in your boots knowing that YOU got Fancy there!  

Standing naked, putting on armor...

This morning while sitting and reading my bible study (and enjoying the peace of the morning with my steaming mug of Heaven) I read something that spoke to my heart. You see I'm struggling right now. I have a senior in HS (many of us do), I have three busy kids (many of us do), I have work piled up to my ears ("same", I can hear you saying), my house is a DISASTER, we have no milk in the fridge for breakfast, the laundry is piled so high we should just go buy new clothes but budgets are tight, we have deadlines that have to be made, we have too much to do and not enough hours in the day or enough of us to do it.  We are living in a continually state of hurry up and go and if we dare to sit and take a break our minds don't stop, we feel guilty, we are ALL running in some crazy rat race that quite frankly 1.  I don't remember signing up for and B. I wish we could figure out a way to stop.  But y'all, there isn't, I mean yes there is BUT the changes that would need to be made in our lives to jump off of the crazy train would take soooo incredibly much faith and trust in the Lord, not to mention some major guts!  I keep saying I'm ready to do these things to JUMP, but I have other people to consider before I can't go all crazy mid life crisis on my family!  

So here HERE are the words from Ephesians that spoke to my heart today dear friends.  

'Put on the whole armor of God...' That is a beautiful image in my mind, of the paper thin pages of His word wrapped completely around my whole entire body.  Literally COVERING me in His word...especially when I stand 'naked', baring my soul to y'all, admitting that I am failing, that I screw up A LOT, that as hard as I try to be all things to those I love I sometimes push them away with my harsh words or frustrations.  (Sorry babe). 

'And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayer and requests.'  Y'all!  That is an AWEsome image!  To pray for literally EVERYTHING, even the small 'insignificant' things!  God does not get tired of hearing our prayers.  He does not say "Would you listen to that whiny baby Kimberly asking for stupid things again, SMH!"  Can you imagine?  He is so excited to hear us speak to him!  Y'all,  we can quote scripture all day long, but BUT if we are not praying than we aren't really doing anything.  (Let me clarify though that sometimes when prayers won't come, when you are in such a dark place or you are simply at a loss repeating scripture TO Him IS praying!). He may not give us the answers we want, or in the timing we desire but we are called to believe in Him and His word with the innocent faith of a child, not asking why just believing in Him. 

Y'all just pray today with perseverance (easy) and patience (mind numbingly difficult) for everything!  For yourselves! For me!  I'm praying for you too!  

We WILL make it...I think...I hope...

I have some very sweet friends that are in the midst of new parenting or parenting of little's and I know that they are struggling.  Dear ones I NEED you to hear my words.  I know KNOW that you are exhausted from sleepless nights.  You can't remember the last time you actually showered where you did more than jump in and out.  You permanently have some type of bodily fluid on your clothes. You feel as if you never have adult conversations.  You don't remember what your husband actually looks like.  Sickness runs rampant through your home, knowing without a doubt that as soon as one little gets strep, the flu whatever it's only a matter of time before the other one or two get it.  This is what I NEED you to understand...when you've sat and rocked ALL day and dad walks in the door and you finally, excitedly pass that baby off to him so you can breathe, shower, run to the store alone only to have that precious bundle scrunch up his face, reach for you and start to wail again.  Blessed mothers YOU are that babies pacifier, her comfort, her cozy blanket.  You are his HOME!  I know it's hard to do but settle in that moment, relish it, be their everything because I promise you the moment will FLY by.

One day that same child who couldn't/wouldn't let you go will lash out at you.  They will tell you that you are stupid, that they hate you. They will roll their eyes and clench their jaws, slam their doors and proceed to text, Skype, tweet, kik, snapchat (not Facebook ' cause since the old people invaded it, it's so uncool) about what a loser you are.  How not understanding, mean, uncool you are.  Dear ones you will try, when they come to you and you dig so incredibly deep to give them the most amazing words of wisdom ever spoken by any parent in the history of the universe and as the golden words are leaving your mouth you feel as if you are on top of the world...know KNOW that that child/teenager/savage will look at you with mouth agape, tears in their eyes, jaw clenched and proceed to say "Seriously!?  Mother, you are of NO help!  That is just stupid!  It's like you don't even care!"  They will turn and storm out of the room leaving you to wonder just how that had happened. Know KNOW that I believe their is an actual language barrier that turns your incredibly wise words into the sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

Dear ones, hang tight.  When they push, push back.  When they pull away, pull them back. Tell them that they can fight you and you will continue to fight for them!  They will come back to you. It will be baby steps.  It will be one step forward two steps back. They will crawl in bed with you, apologize, curl up and tell you they love you and then wake up the next morning to look at you as if you have three heads and not a brain in one.  They will quit kissing your cheek goodbye and instead yell it down the hallway (if they even remember to tell you goodbye at all). But precious, exhausted, beautiful Mama's you WILL make it through. I promise!!!  Through many tears, through days of feeling like a total failure, through doubts of how you could possibly be doing this parenting thing oh so very wrong...you WILL make it.  I say these words not only for my young friends living in the midst of the newness of parenthood, not only for my friends living through teenager schizophrenia land (truly it is) but dear friends I say these words for me also.  For as I raise three of my own teenagers I sometimes wonder just what I'm doing and why I'm doing it so badly.  And then I remember I'm not alone (and possibly that bathtubs and adult beverages were created for mothers of teens!).  Hang in their mama's with tears and prayers we WILL make it through.

Losing it...

I lost it tonight.  LOST IT.  Walked in the house (should be condemned it's such a wreck) hungry, tired and cranky.  Don't think I've been home more than like 5 minutes the past 10 days.  Dance stuff needed to be packed.  Projects were being finished.  Shavings are all over my floor.  The laundry is piled so high I can't see over it and quite frankly something smells.  Like bad.  (Possibly the Stock show laundry that's STILL waiting to be washed.). And so when someone didn't do what I asked I LOST it.  Can I tell you how much I HATED that.  Can I explain the way it completely tears my heart apart.  You know don't you?  Momma's.  You know.  We've all done it (and if you haven't. Please don't tell me!). But sometimes isn't it just all too much.  I wanna bath.  I wanna beverage.  I wanna full nights sleep where I'm not worrying about college scholarships, show cattle escaping the fence, show chickens not being warm enough, laundry that will never be done, packing that needs to be done for yet another trip.  Dishes in the dishwasher that I honestly can't remember if I ran the dadgumn thing so I might as well run it again. The fact that the fridge had nothing nutrious in it. Am I taking too much time off of work for my kids.  Am I giving more attention to one kid and slacking on the other two.  Have I even actually SPOKEN to my husband today?  Y'all.  These are the things that make me/us? lie awake, stress us out and yes sometimes LOSE it!  And truthfully NONE of these things are life threatening important but still.  These are the days when if I was smart (clearly I'm not) I would walk outside and beg like BEG God to do for me....Lord Jesus today I need you to wrap your arm around my shoulder and place your hand over my mouth!  Because sometimes...seriously that's all I've got to give.

Dear Facebook...

Hey there buddy, we need to talk. See we've been together for a long time, years in fact and I love being with you.  Well I need to be honest, I loveD being with you.  You are my link to old friends, some I've known since kindergarten.  You helped me to celebrate their birthdays, anniversaries, babies, you reminded me to pray for them in the lows and celebrate with them in the highs.  You allowed me to brag un mercilessly on my own kids (and husband) and gave me a platform for my off the wall sense of humor.  Truly Facebook, you were my partner in crime.  But things have changed, you've changed and I have too.  You seem very negative to me lately and while I've tried to stay positive in the hopes that you would possibly go back to the fun and silly site you used to be, sadly you are unwilling to do so.  And quite frankly my friend, your negativity is too much for me right now.

Don't worry, we aren't over, I'm not saying goodbye, I don't think.  I'm just saying that I think we need a break from each other.  You know distance makes the heart grow finder and all that. Anyway, take care Facebook and I'll see ya when I see ya.

She is most definitely mine…

This morning an incredible person stumbled into my bathroom where I was rushing to get ready for work.  Dressed in worn in jeans and an oversized sweatshirt with sleepy eyes and tousled hair, she sat down on the closed toilet seat and tucked her bare feet up under her. 

“Whatchya doin?” I asked this sleepy beauty.

She cups her hands around a steaming cup of coffee while pulling it close to her heart and in a beautiful raspy morning voice says, “I just need a minute with my coffee to wake up.”

Well my friends, I have done it!  Beware…there are now officially two of us! 

Today...

On this beautiful first day of October I'm sitting in the back seat of my own car.  We are going on a mini road trip.  Something I desperately love to do.  I hate to travel but a quick road trip with my loves is my personal heaven.  But as I sit here with my Starbucks in hand (your not surprised) I was suddenly utterly and completely overwhelmed at what I was participating in.

Today I'm a passenger in my own car which is nothing new, if my husband is with me he drives, I like it that way.  But today he is also a passenger.  Today my son is in the drivers seat.  Today my 17 year old is driving us to his first college visit.  Today we will visit the same town I've been to a hundred times when my husband was a student there.  But today it will be with different eyes.  Today I won't be seeing it as the fun place I used to escape to visiting my love.  Today I will be visiting the place my first born will be living for the next four years.  As I endure this year and truly enduring is what I feel it is when I can't stop thinking that every single minute eases us closer and closer to a new normal, one I'm not particularly fond of.  I am a momma bear in the worst of ways.  I LOVE having my kids home with me.  Nothing makes me happier or more content than when it's the five of us under one roof.  Then and seriously only then do I feel complete and whole.  Please don't judge me (or do I don't really care) I know this is what is supposed to happen.  I know this is why we 'train them up in the way they should go and pray that they keep their paths straight'. I know that all
of this is completely normal.  But that doesn't help this momma's heart.  Yes, I will let him go I just don't feel ready.  If you know my kid then you know he has the sweetest disposition.  You know he is a good kid (just a good ole boy).  He has a tender heart.  He will do the right thing in all situations because he just doesn't understand not doing the right thing.

So today as I watch him drive me to his future university/home I don't see the tall (taller than both his parents), broad shouldered, handsome man he has become.  I still see a tiny little boy with wide innocent eyes, big ears (blessed he grew into them),  and the sweet voice of the child who knew what the inside of my heart sounded like first.  Today I see him.