Our foundation...

I haven't posted in a while and I miss it but life you know real life gets in the way of what we want life to look like or feel like.  It seems I take to this page when my emotions overwhelm me. When I need an outlet and nothing else will work.  I guess today is one of those days. 

It's not really that big of a deal you know the town we live in, the way Craig and I have raised our three kids.  High School graduation is kind of a given. You go to school for 12 years, you get a diploma and then you decide what's next.  So I'm not anxiously awaiting with my stomach in knots the moment my kid gets his diploma today because I know he has it,  I know his plans and his grades and I know that he has successfully completed this part of his education. 

I'm anxiously awaiting the moment he crosses that stage because my friends at that moment when he steps from one side to the other, moving his tassel from right to left. That's the moment y'all. That's the moment that he is no longer a kid that must live under my roof, that will be at my dinner table every night or meeting me in the kitchen for coffee in the morning.  Things change when they graduate and start their own lives. It doesn't matter how much you try and keep things the same you just can't.  Our home will always be their home but the dynamics will change.  They are adults and they deserve this time to make their mark to find out who they are and to carve a path that will take them through the next stages of their lives.  Stages where mom and dad are no longer active participants but merely the most enthusiastic, loudest cheering, biggest supporters standing on the side line with hands clasped watching the most beautiful show in the world.  

Today my son will cross the stage celebrating the fact that every day for the last 18 years he has taken steps to become less of my little boy and more of an amazing man and while I mourn for the past and my roll in his life I'm also anxiously awaiting for his beautiful  future because I know without a doubt that the foundation we've laid down will carry us through. 

Just another day...

There are moments in a day, totally and completely ordinary moments that sometimes begin to unravel you as a mother.  Moments that could be mundane or even frustrating that knock the wind out of your sails.

I had that moment today, standing in the barn as I have hundreds of times.  (Actually approximately 1,640 times but I mean who's counting). With one child blowing her heifer and the other washing his.  Listening to the sounds of the the animals and watching the sun slowly, beautifully set in the distance.  And all of a sudden it hit me y'all.  This life, this beautiful, ordinary, nothing special life is so incredibly AWEmazing.  To be here to witness these moments that literally are mundane chores but in all actuality are beautiful moments of these people I created caring so lovingly for their animals.

I've often said I'd like to go back and start over, do this whole mothering thing again. And this time do it better...this is why y'all. These moments that are gone in the blink of an eye and that we can't get back. I have one already off at college and one leaving this year and the realization that soon we will have that empty nest, that quiet always stays clean house...I'm not ready for that. So this right here, right now y'all, nothing is more important than this moment.

Just one more coffee date...

Today marks 4 years since my daddy left this world and usually I handle it really well. He was sick and now he's not. He couldn't walk but now he can. He had a rough life but now there is no pain and no fear only beauty, I truly believe that and I'm so dadgumn thankful. But I'm also just really pissed y'all.  I know I'm not supposed to be but I am.

See these two...they are two peas in a pod.  Ice cream and chocolate lovers, they both give until they have nothing left, they love hard and have a temper that can flash.  They are so freaking stubborn.  They think ladies should be treated like ladies.   They both love music like no ones business but neither have a lick of rhythm.  Stupid jokes and inappropriate language fly from their lips. They both tease unmercifully but have a hard time being teased back. They both root for the underdog. They both 'get me' like no one else really does and in less than 5 months that sweet boy will be graduating and I'm just so dadgumn mad that he's not here to watch, to celebrate, to witness his hard work.

4 years and 15 days ago I sat and had coffee with him (he double fisted a hot cup and a frappucino) and we talked...he and I didn't have so much to say to each other when I was growing up but we sure made up for it when I got older. I want so desperately to grab a cup of coffee and sit down with him right now.  To tell him what's wrong and let him help me fix it like only he could. I need his wisdom and his truths, his compassion mixed with tough love....I need my daddy y'all.

4 years is too long...I miss you more MY Daddy and love you A LOT!

I

Day 3...

Some days are just crap y'all!   No matter how hard you try. No matter what you say or do you can't make everyone happy.  The solution...to curl up on the sofa and watch a movie where you get to see cows and horses and beautiful landscapes oh AND Brad Pitt's butt.  Not that I was lookin' or anything...  ;o).  #legendsofthefall #neverdisappoints

Day 2...

Ten things I learned on Day 2 of summer 'vacation':

1. I LOVE driving on a sunny day with the radio up and windows down. I don't care how hot it is outside or if the passenger wants to speak to me...this is my happy place.  
2. I will chauffeur people all flipping day long around town if the above can happen. 
3. Doctors appointments with my mother are never boring. 
4. My mother doesn't know how to whisper.  (I've always known this but it might be getting worse!)
5. God answers prayers...even when you're being a little snarky. 
6. A common misconception is that my silliness came from my dad...partially true but one cannot ever doubt momma's influence!
7. Cappuccinos, desert and long talks make me crazy happy especially when it's with someone I love. 
8. I sometimes discount my children, thinking I know better...I need to start listening more sometimes. 
9. No matter how much you do for your children they will ALWAYS find the one thing you DIDN'T do and bring it up.  
10. Momma was right...baths do make everything just a little better.  

***Warning***This was written whilst in the bath. I don't have my glasses.  I don't have my phone to text a member of my family for my glasses. And no matter how loud I yell or how hard I bang on the wall they PRETEND can't hear me to bring me my glasses.  So who knows what I actually wrote.  

Day 1...

Day one  of my one month of summer 'vacation' started today.  I've been to the barn, dropped a kid at VBS and now I'm back home in my bed with a cup of coffee.  So very not productive and yet...so very necessary.  I promise to have a productive summer...just maybe not today!

*Warning*. Not really sure what I actually wrote 'cause I'm also too lazy to go get my glasses from the other room!

Living for today...

I was sitting this morning reading my Bible study and for the first time in my 42 years I TRULY read what I've repeated over and over again since I was first taken to church, The Lord's prayer.  You know it's one of those that you just know and you repeat with ease, without stumbling or thinking about it.  It rolls of your lips like your own name, but today I read one part that just STUCK! 
"Give us this day our daily bread." ~ Matthew 6:11  Ya'll, God didn't instruct us to say give us what we need for the next two months!  In fact in Exodus he instructs the people to gather JUST ENOUGH for that day.  I feel like every second of my days, whether at work or at home I'm planning for tomorrow.  And it makes me think...am I missing out on today?

We spend so much of our lives worrying about making enough money for retirement, making sure our kids have perfect grades and test scores for college admittance, that our house is clean for the guest coming next weekend, that the kids practiced perfect for the next game and so on.  I'm not saying we should stop all this...it's life it's the way the world is now but if you are anything like me (and goodness I hope your are NOT).  Then you are literally spinning your wheels.  You are jumping from one task to the next dropping into bed at the end of the day exhausted and looking back feeling totally frustrated.  You feel as if you accomplished nothing because you were trying to do everything. 

Y'all, I have a secret...I'm EXHAUSTED!  I'm FRUSTRATED!  I'm ANGRY!  I want so so so many things.  I want some lazy days, I want a clean house, I want no dirty laundry piles, I want my kids to be young again so I can start over and do it so much better this time.  I want my son to succeed in college.  I want my other son to enjoy his last two years of high school before he enters this crazy real world.  I want my daughter to enjoy this moment instead of wishing she was already in high school (though I can't say I blame her on that one...Junior High is BRUTAL!)  I want my husband to stop stressing about if  he's providing enough for this family. And then there's me..."Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" ~Matthew 6:27.  Y'all, I'm totally convinced that that passage was put in the Bible for me!  I worry about everything and I mean EVERYTHING!  (As if to prove that fact I just spilt my coffee mug all over my keyboard so now I'm worrying I've ruined a brand new keyboard).  I never saw the movie frozen but I've heard the song and more often then not I spend too many hours a day singing "Let it go" in my head...not the whole song...just those words in her voice trying desperately to get myself to LET IT GO!

All that rambling to say, I'm worried...I'm worried that I'm missing out on today because I am SO focused on tomorrow.  I'm worried that the dream that lives in my head of what I want for this crazy family will not come to pass and yet I know, I KNOW that "my Father knows what I need before I ask Him."  ~Matthew 6:8  So for today I am going to focus on today.  I'm going to live in the present and let tomorrow worry about it's self. 

Maybe y'all should pray for me...I'm worried I am gonna fail!  ;o)